Compassion

When I was in the hospital, I shared my room with a lady, 94 years old. She was such a mystery to me.

She could barely speak, and had to be helped with eating and going to the washroom.

She slept most of the time, or would just sit and stare. I often wondered what she was thinking about. She would have been born in 1913. She saw the world change a few times over.

I felt for her though. She seemed to be in so much pain. Her spin curved from years of osteoporosis, and her hands full of arthritis. My friend, someone well versed in karma and the spirit of the universe, thought allowed, what is keeping her attached to this earth. What has she left unfinished that keeps her hanging on?

She had her sons ring and her husbands ring attached by a string on her finger. She had outlived both.

My husband and I would help when the nurses weren't around, pulling up her blanket or her pillow, or simply calling for the nurse because her hands weren't strong enough to press the call button by her bed.

She had few visitors, and I had many. In a way I felt guilty. This women, who had seen the world change, now forgotten, and lay in her bed with much discomfort. I doubt my presence had any profound effect on her, but she had an effect on me. And for that, I am thankful.

Reactions

I find it interesting how people react to my telling them about my surgery.

It starts off with "oh my!"

Followed by: "but you are so healthy!"

Yes, but I am also human...

Ulcers have long been associated with stressed out people and poor health. Mostly because - in the past stressed out people usually drank more aclohol and smoked more. Studies have shown that ulcers are caused by a bacteria, which is made worse by something making your stomach very very acidic: tabacco, alcohol OR NSAIDS - non steroidal anti-inflammatories such as aspirin or ibuprofen.

If you read the fine print, NSAIDS do mention having ulcers or stomach problems as a side effect. But when you are in pain, you don't really pay attention to that part. Well, i didn't. I followed the recommended dosage, but, as luck would have (or not have it) an ulcer, i didn't even know I had, ruptured...

then of course "how could you not know about the ulcer?"

Most people don't know in fact. Most people don't have symptoms...

So the moral is: read the fine print of any meds...don't assume that the side effects aren't likely...truth is, you never know! And...live life to the fullest, we are human and mortal, so take every moment to Live Love and Laugh!

Baby Steps

Its fascinating, as a fitness instructor to see my body change from day to day following my surgery.

The week after I got home, i tried to pedal on my bike on the trainer. I managed 10 very uncomfortable minutes barely maintaining 60 revolutions per minute (RPM). The week after, I tried again and very easily maintained 80 RPM.

I was walking slowly, now i am maintaining more of a "regular pace".

I am now doing some basic hip and pelvic movements, such as circles and figure 8's.

BUT. I can't do the cat stretch, in fact, i can't press myself up onto my hands and knees. (so pushups are a while off yet).

I am still slouching, and my abs and stitches feel very tight after not moving for some time.

I fatigure very easily, which is hard to keep track of, when I am feeling high energy for most of the day.

But all of these things are small steps, small changes. Which is actually very exciting for me. I had forgotten what it is like to START from scratch. I remember what it was like to lose weight, to feel better and healthier, but I was already someone who loved to move and dance. Now i get to see what its like from BARELY being able to get up. Its an amazing experience.

Loss of innocence...

Its a little bit hard to describe, but each life experience can change how we look at life...

After having surgery, and in fact dealing with the fact that my body is human and mortal, I feel this sense of a loss of innocence. I never thought that I was all-powerful, nothing like that. We get colds, and we magically get better, blisters, booboos and the occasional muscle ache, but we always get better. Problems just magically go away.

The day it all happened, I knew something was wrong, and it would not just go away, or magically get better.

Like a child finding out the truth about Santa, I guess I feel the same sense of loss...the truth about our bodies. There is a lot going on, over which we have no control. Something we always know, but I think many of us take for granted. I guess I have always thought of it as "I will deal with it as it comes".

Although I do feel this sense of loss of innocence, it has also been a wonderful growing experience. I have learned a lot about myself and yes "what doesn't kill me will make me stronger". I believe that.

The start of 2007...

A friend of mine called me a fire cracker. That is, I started 2007 like a fire cracker - with a great big BANG!

Everything started on New Years Eve. Actually, everything started about a month before that, but I didn't realize it at the time. I had a big of back injury after months of teaching, and needed a little physio. I took some NSAID (ibuprofen) to decrease the inflammation. Little did I know at the time that the h, pilori bacteria in my gut was just starting to get active.

A couple of weeks later, i noticed that after eating i would get the TINIEST cramping in my belly. It was so minor, hardly worth noticing. I have had much worse belly aches than that, so I dismissed it.

Then after a work up on about the 28th of December, my shoulder was a bit sore. I had slept on it funny. It actually got to be very sore, and I wanted to get into physio, but unfortunately they were closed for the holidays. So I figured, once again I will try to reduce inflammation with the ibuprofen and try to make it until January 3.

The bacteria was now VERRRY happy. An ulcer was already there, and the ibuprofen made things worse, and on December 31 at roughly 8:00 PM, it ruptured.

I felt a cramp and then horrible burning. I knew something was very very wrong and asked me husband to phone the ambulance. He asked if maybe this would pass, a big "NO!!" came out of my mouth and he phoned right away. It was the longest 15 minutes until the ambulance showed up.

I turned pale, and had difficulty breathing. Eventually things settled, but there was still pain. It was a good idea to go to emergency.

I went through triage in emergency, and it was decided I needed an ultrasound of my belly to determine what was wrong...in the morning. That meant spending the night. They gave me gravol/demarol to keep me comfortable.

In the morning, I was sent to be scanned and within the hour I was on the operating table. The surgeon told me that I had a ruptured ulcer and they need to go in. I was very scared and she told me "Either I operate or you die". This did not calm me.

Oddly enough, the pain went away just before my surgery, (no I wasn't given the shots yet). I think the adrenaline probably had things settling. The surgical staff was very friendly and kind.

About two hours later I came out of surgery with a nasal gastic tube (to pump the rest of the stuff out of my tummy), IV, epidural, oxygen...

My husband had gone home and come back with clothes and some food (he figured I would be hungry) expecting to bring me home. That's when I found out that my hospital visit would be at least a week.

Things were ok at first, I loved the phone calls and visits from friends. Then after a few days the epidural was removed, and I started to get very emotional as the medications started wearing off.

It took me most of the week to figure it out but this is what i did learn: if i felt like crying, cry. It actually felt good to cry, as if it was the only way I can release some energy. Trying to stay really calm was actually stressful. The second was trying to get a normal full nights sleep in the hospital is not possible. Between IV pump alarms and regular measuring of temperature and blood pressures, patients have to wake up every few hours. Once i got that down, things went a little better.

On the 5th day, I got my nasal gastic tube removed. And i was started back on food. Well, Jell-o. it was the best jell-o ever. My appetitie was coming back, and I was starting to really need to eat. The IV was taken off completely the next day and I was free to move around without my little IV stand. I can actually put on full sleeves.

Monday morning, my staples came out (all 15), and the surgeon said that she was releasing me.

Lots of meds to take while at home, and a required two months of recovery.

So that's "what happenend"

Stay tuned for my thougths on all of this...

Thanks for reading!